I’ve been avoiding writing and blogging because it’s brought up a lot of sadness lately. I can not express enough the number of unpublished drafts in my queue. There are a lot of moving pieces in my life that I have not come to terms with. A lot of possibilities, ifs, whats, and buts. Because of that — I have been dreading this blog. Neglecting it. Running from it. This blog gained momentum because I was honest about mental health, trauma, intergenerational healing, being a first generation woman in STEM, and spoke at length about the non-profit industrial complex. I am not ready to talk about what’s been happening in my life yet, but it hovers like a cloud over me.
School has been — an adjustment. I am no longer in the comfort of my home, and it’s weird getting used to “commuting” during the rush hour again. I’m finally getting used to a routine again. At the same time, I feel like I am walking out of a haze. I guess this must be how it feels for a lot of us. “Are we out of the clear yet? Is it okay? Are you or are you not vaccinated? Is it safe to get vaccinated? What do we do now? Are we going to shut down again?” The questions never seem to stop. For anxiety ridden people– this constant bombardment of the media, and the never-ending need to promote fear, is overwhelming. I can’t even imagine.
I have been in and out of appointments for almost two months straight now. I am trying to remain level headed but have been organizing my will, advanced directives, and life insurance policies. It’s been a grim reality I have not wanted to focus on. It’s just best to have it together… in case. You never know what will happen in life.
As a result, I’ve been marking things off my bucket lists. I just want to make sure I hit every milestone I’ve ever dreamed of. I am picking and choosing my battles more. Focusing less on the petty small things, and setting aside more time to focus on my dreams. Whether it’ss making more time for family, matchy moments with my husband, or even doing what I’ve felt is impossible in pharmacy school. Me being possibly ‘sick’ has pushed me to chase my dreams even harder. Sometimes when my pain onsets, it’s unbearable and I feel useless, but when my pain is under control — I feel invincible.
So that’s that. That’s where I am as a Hmong woman in pharmacy school. That’s me, balancing the bills, the routine, school, family, and chasing dreams. This is me taking and seizing every moment. Time is a blessing, be happy it’s on your side.
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