Grieving and mourning in this pandemic

I am finally beginning to feel the weight of the pandemic, and I am experiencing a sadness that comes with not being able to interact with people you love.  It feels like I am grieving.

I have very close and intimate relationships with a hand full of people, and am incredibly selective with who I choose to be vulnerable with.  Many of my friends are moving into new stages in their life and are leaving to new places and spaces.  I am so proud and happy for them but am feeling emotions that are most closely aligned with grieving.  Typically, when I’ve transitioned from one stage to the next, I’ve had a sense of closure by sending loved ones off.  With this pandemic, these shifts have felt incredibly sudden, with no time to truly process sending them off, and no time to say goodbye.  The pandemic has forced people to drastically adjust to their environment, and that means people are moving where new opportunities are… or they are moving because they’ve lost a job.  

All that is to say, I am finally feeling the weight of this pandemic. As someone whose been following social distancing protocols, I miss a lot of things in my life:  the gym, my gardening healing groups, hugging or seeing my friends’ smiles, walking alongside strangers and not feeling fearful.  I miss being with people, experiencing the joy that comes with being with people, and the comfort that comes with being around people you love. 

This is where my heart is (two weeks into pharmacy school). I really wanted to write about my studying experience, and the virtual classroom environment, but I have been so overwhelmed by other emotions.  

Honestly — when I think of school, I want to cry.  I consider myself a well-organized time managing planner.  That’s all out the door. Every other day there seems to be a new adaptation I need to make on the spot.  It impacts a lot of things in my life when I’m asked to make these adjustments. It impacts what I ask of my husband, what I ask of my coworkers, and what I need to do to succeed in my own studies.  I’m incredibly unhappy with the circumstances of this economy.  Even then — God still continues to provide for me with:  loving people, fiscal opportunities, and joy.  My eyes are welling up, as I think about the sheer amount of grace He’s granted me.  Can you believe it? Little me, daughter of thirteen, the one no one thought would ever grow up to amount to anything is finally here.  She’s chased the best universities in the world, worked for some of the best hospitals, and now she’s here. Writing this blog, crying, and wondering how it’s all going to work.   

It will.  It will always work where there is a will.  It will always work when faith is put into the equation. Faith, a lot of hard work, and a tribe of people who brought me to this exact point.  Albeit, it is incredibly lonely and difficult – I will make it through.  I always do. 

A little testament of joy, prayer manifestations, and blessings: my father in law received a kidney transplant on Monday after being wait listed for eight years.  My husband and I have been supporting him with the process, since he is receiving care from UCLA. It has been joyous seeing my husband radiate with hope that he may have an additional few years left with his father.  

A whole lot of love,

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