There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself. – Hannah Gadsby, Nanette
It’s hard for me to reflect on my past and for me to wonder why or how I have built myself up to this point. I feel like I have done so much, yet I have accomplished so little. Others look at me and think, “Wow, she has done so much in her life and she is still so young.” My feelings are indifferent. I am working through my own insecurities of never feeling like enough. This stems from a deep place of trauma. I never felt good enough for my parents growing up, and to this day … there is not a single encounter I have with them, where they tell me they love me. They have never told me they love me as I am, where I am. It is a complex narrative and I imagine it will take me years to remove this whispered narrative from my own embedded mental notes that began at birth. But… I am determined to get it out of my system. When I hear, “Tang this is not enough. You are not enough.” I try to correct it. I try to remove my Mother’s voice in my head, and I replace it with my own voice, “I am more than enough and I can do anything I put my head/heart into.” I am not broken but in the process of rebuilding myself.
Needless to say, my CT results came back in and I am cleared. The CT results showed scarring across the left lung lobes that bordered the heart. They were unsure where the scarring came from but my heart size looks good. All that is to say God is so good. Scarring was beyond what we imagined, and it makes so much sense why a CT was needed now. A few blogs ago, I wrote about my faith, and how tested I was. I apologized in prayer for my lack of. It reminded me of when Jesus’ disciples were on the ship and a storm came.
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
The most success I’ve accomplished, in my life, has always been when I trust in Him whole-heartedly and take that leap of faith. Me being ill has been a blessing, and God’s way of telling me to embrace the present, to take care of myself, and to brace for the abundant future he has in store for my gifts and talents.
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