My partner and I have had our shares of ups and downs. For most of last year, we were not in a relationship. It was probably the lowest point in our relationship. We’ve grown a lot and we’ve made a lot of poor decisions along the way. There were extremely unhealthy points in our relationship but there were also moments of pure love in our relationship. No relationship is perfect and it’s through these low moments that we learn the most about ourselves. It is also through these low moments that we choose to grow.
I had an extremely traumatic recovery process, from my surgery back in 2013. I talk about it loosely in various blogs. I hemorrhaged and went into shock after being released from the hospital, after my first surgery. I was quickly readmitted via emergency ambulance afterward. I rarely talk about this experience because I’ve spent years recovering from this. In many ways, my mind has never fully recovered, which is the reason why I’ve spent years trying to decide which doctorate program I would like to attend. For most of my life, I wanted to be a physician, particularly working with children. All of my goals and dreams revolved around it.
But my mind and body have never been the same following this surgery. If a needle gets near me, my body tenses, my mind goes blank, and I begin getting lightheaded. It’s taken me years to guiltily admit that I am no longer able to respond to trauma or blood following my own recovery process. I retreated, withdrew, and fell into a deep state of depression during this time. I felt lost. It felt like my soul had died on the ambulance ride back to the hospital. I felt like my dreams, my identity, and my Self, shattered following that moment.
The person who loved and supported me through all of this is: my partner. For months, after my surgery in 2013, I would wake up screaming and panicking in fear. My partner never left me. He stood by me through it all. He loved me through my lowest points and I have chosen to see him through his darkest moments too. After more tumors were discovered, and it was determined my ovary needed to be removed, he was also by my side.
Love is imperfect but I have found someone whose chosen to love me through many heartbreaks. People always ask why I don’t leave him for financial security. Here’s the truth. Genuine love is difficult to find. I would take that kind of love over financial security, any day. Wouldn’t you?
“In our own ways we break.
it is okay to hold your heart outside your body for days.
at a time.”— Nayyirah Waheed