I have not felt like blogging for a couple of days now, almost a week, just because I’ve been so frustrated. All that is to say, I am still journaling daily because writing is my primary form of self-care.
I wanted to be honest about this blog post but also wanted to respect the privacy of the parties of those involved. I’ve been contemplating this for quite some time but I’ll write a generic sense of what is going on in my life. My life is not perfect. It’s chaotic, messy, I cry a lot, I laugh a lot, and my relationship has gone through hell and back the past year and a half.
With the traveling, physician appointments, and fumigation last week, I was just frustrated…. really frustrated, stressed, and angry. My partner has been getting treatment for almost two months now but there are good days and bad days. There are days where he doesn’t want to go to treatment and days where he tries to convince me, “He’s better now.” He’s not. We are struggling with balancing his finances, treatment plans, life, our relationship, his job, our spiritual faith, and community work. I try very hard to be a supportive person but, at the end of the day, I also need to say, “I’m done. It’s time to take care of myself. I need to tidy up, the place is a mess, the dogs smell, I need to exercise, I need to nurture myself with healthy food. I have a job that needs to pay my bills. I need to pray.” We often don’t give women enough credit for the strength they need to have in uplifting everyone around them.
I don’t know if there is a recipe for working on things but if there was – I’m sure we would all be plastered beings of happiness. I’m glad there’s not. Difficult moments define our character.
I could use a change of pace, a change of energy, a change in lifestyle. Can’t we all? But … I could also use an enormous amount of prayers and blessings. It’s hard for me to try to be balanced all the time. I’m only human and it’s hard to try to hold someone accountable who isn’t fully invested in trying to get better. There are days, like today, where I just sit, cry, pray, meditate, and hope for the best. I don’t want to put on a facade that I’m in a happy relationship all the time, where we don’t argue, cry, and disagree. We do. All healthy relationships do. If you aren’t disagreeing in a relationship, ask yourself, “why?” Thank you for reading this,
all that is to say, many blessings, happy Wednesdays.
Only thing that I can’t afford is to lose myself
trying to be somebody
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