Today I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am so emotional – I can not wait for my period to start already. It could be that … or something deeper.
I feel like I’m about to fall into a numbness. I’ve been really insecure about my weight lately and I’ve been having recurring dreams about the weight I’ve gained, the past two years.
I’m sitting in a room and everyone is laughing at how fat I am now. They’re pointing at me and saying how I turned into the ugliest one of them all. This is a great source of anxiety and insecurity. I am very very aware of the weight I have gained.
My staple style once consisted of short shorts and baggy knitted sweaters. It’s just baggy all around now with long pants, skirts, and dresses.
Following my second surgery – my body’s never felt the same. I’m not sure if I would have willingly walked into a surgery, knowing that I’d have an ovary and fallopian tube removed. It changes the body hormonally and emotionally. The two are interconnected. I was okay with it because it was a preventive measure of ovarian cancer. I’m not sure if I was ever up for the long term recovery that would come along with it.
The consequence has been years of grappling with hormonal changes, body insecurities, and traumas following my first hemorrhaging incident. While I am feeling the best, mentally in years, I am really beating myself up for “letting myself go.” My younger self would be really disappointed with where I am now.
I need to be less hard on myself. I am my greatest and darkest enemy most days.
Love and light,
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