I had a vivid dream today. It made me extremely happy and I started crying. I can not remember the last time I felt this level of happiness. These past four years I have felt trapped in my situation for so long.
In my dream – I was walking with my partner and we stepped into a park. When we stepped into the park, we found that we teleported back in time. I was carrying my younger brother (who is one and a half years old in this dream). From the corner of my eye, my other younger brother (who is three years old in this dream) runs towards me.
Note – these two brothers are now nine and thirteen.
My three-year-old brother smiles, runs up to me, and says, “See me. Me so cute. Remember me? Me so cute. Remember how cute me was?” The (now) one and a half-year-old brother is playing peek a boo with my shoulders. He is tucking his head into my shoulder, looking up, and laughing hysterically with joy. I’m snuggling with him, holding him, kissing him. Oh, how time has flown. So much has changed.
Our lives have been filled with so much sadness these past few years. I have been running for so long from the family that once brought me joy. I have been running since I was twenty. This dream was a heartwarming reminder that healing is happening, whether I want to believe it or not. It was also a self-realization that I have been running from the source of my pain for many years as a way of coping. In this process I shut down a vital human side to me that made me “me”. I am unsure why the gateway of emotions are flooding now… but for anyone who knows what my family has been coping with the past three years … you know that as a family we have been through hell and back again. I have hardly been able to support myself emotionally, physically and psychologically through all of this. I can not count on one hand, how many hospital visits I have had, for my father, brothers, mother, sisters, and myself.
However, I have felt myself coming back together, bit by bit, piece by piece a little more each day these past two months. And it is nice to acknowledge my humanity again.
In all of this. I want to thank God for reminding me of this very beautiful memory. For loving me through all of my darkness and ugliness. For forgiving me through all of my hurt and anger … and for always being the light in my life.
But may[b] the God of all grace, who called us[c] to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 5:10-11
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