You grew up gifted.

For those who follow me – you know that I write about a variety of my life experiences, especially around beauty, travel, fashion and my own struggles around anxiety.  This is a blog post I have been struggling to write for awhile…. Society truly believes gifted people are blessed and should not complain.  To be honest, most days, it feels like a curse.

It’s a double edged sword and the world isn’t kind to people who are gifted.  Society is not made to accommodate the needs of gifted people.  This holds true in the workplace, colleges, and schools.

As a woman, in the workplace, my abilities have been exploited in every work environment I have ever been in.  I learn quickly, think abstractly, speak eloquently, convey messages clearly, and can essentially pull in the workload of three people.  I become easily frustrated when supervisors do not meet my expectations and when they fail to provide adequate support to meet my ideas, thoughts or deadlines…

I’ve found that men, in the work place, will often times take my ideas and attempt to claim it as their own (until they fail to administer the concept that is).  Now pair that up with sexism – it feels a hundred times worse.  The way I see the world is literally different. The very anatomy of my brain is different.  I wake up everyday and wish I could be normal and want normal things: marriage, a car, children, a home, maybe a dog.  It’s not.  I do not wake up everyday thinking of these things.

My partner once asked why I never stop thinking.  I was utterly confused.  I thought everyone’s mind raced at all times, thought about three things, yearned to continuously learn/grow, had images playing in their head.  No.  The average person does not do that.  The average person does not feel things with extreme intensity.  They enjoy life as it is.

Rewards and accolades are useless to me.  I remember a group of my undergraduate college “friends” bragging about their honor societies, graduating with honors, etc. etc.  I did not care.  I would slack off the entire semester and then ace my final exam.  Just to show that I could out compete the students spending countless hours studying and prove that awards were useless merits.  It was not a sign of bashfulness … it was a sign of loneliness, lack of motivation, and maybe even a bit of depression because I was not being challenged in a meaningful way.  I was only being asked to regurgitate information.

In graduate school my peers were among the top 2% in the United States.  Even in these cohorts, I gravitated to people ten to fifteen years older then me.  Why?  I just didn’t care about simple things like coachella, festivals, bars, or parties.  I wanted deep versed conversations about the world, exploring, living, breathing, experiencing deep and painful afflictions.  I grew up with injustice, felt injustice, heard injustice.

 

Everyday I wake up and ask myself why I can’t just want normal things.  Even talking about being ‘gifted’ is stigmatized.  I once slipped and noted, to my colleague, that I was gifted and she said something along the lines of, “Well wasn’t that obvious.  I hate people like you. You basically don’t even try and outperform us all. Boo-hoo.”

It is an awful and lonely feeling that can not be turned off.

My weekly vent.

Many Blessings,

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