Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
Some of my ugliest moments have come from losing my composure. I have been conditioned, for as long as I can remember, to remain composed and neutral in my expression. If I slipped, it meant I would be dragged across the floor and beat with a wired hanger (plastic broke too often against our bodies). If someone felt my shoulders showed too much skin, my hair too short, my look too boyish, it meant I would be punished for disgracing my family. In many ways, this strict lifestyle nurtured my discipline and success in academia… but it also lacked compassion, nourishment, love, and social growth.
When I graduated high school, I vowed to never become the ‘condition’ my parents tried so hard to impose on me. Somewhere along the way, my best friend learned these abusive techniques and used them on me. He would allow people to repeat abusive cycles against me, manipulate stories by telling people my conditioned composure was hostile, twist faces, remind me how unloved I was in my own family, and isolate me. When I felt absolutely helpless I would unintentionally hurt innocent bystanders caught in the firestorm.
I’ve spent the last three years filtering the good and bad people in my life. The good and bad energy – so that I am with people who truly care about me and bring out the best in me. I can’t change what has been done … In all honesty-I doubt anything would have changed if I went back. Why? Because in those moments my heart had become overwhelmed and my support systems were weak.
I am finally in a place where the people who surround me are people who love me, support me, encourage spiritual and individual growth, and love me unconditionally (flaws and all). Instead of picking on my imperfections they encourage growth through my strengths and assets.
It’s been in these last three years that I’ve seen how hurt people, hurt people. I hurt people, when I was hurting, and people often brushed past it without asking what was going on in my own life. I can only change who I am and hope that I never repeat the cycle that was imposed in my own life.